bigtips

How can I meet honest, warm, grown-up people?

by M.T. 'the Big Tipper' Martone

Hi Mary,

I've a problem and I was wondering if you could help me out. Here's the deal: After the rather abrupt end to my eight-year relationship, I've found myself at a crossroads in my life, newly single and better off for it. I want to get on with my life and get out and meet new people, to

expand my circle of friends as well as start to date again.

This is where things get a little sticky for me. I just can't find the type of people that I want to meet. I hate the clubs and the bars. They're meat markets where what you see is what you get, and most times that's not good. I've also tried personal ads and dating services. These options produced rather disappointing (and scary) results.

I'm an honest, loving,

loyal, hardworking, professional gal who wants to meet like-minded individuals who share similar dreams, interests and goals. I am tired of meeting people who only want to play poorly-concealed head games with me. I'm tired oflies, drama, and immature people.

I want to find friends that understand that when you reach a certain point in your life you should be trying to do something with you life besides party/drink/sleep/party. And I refuse to become involved in one of those scary little circles. (You know, the ones where everyone has been partnered with everyone else and it just goes round and round.)

So please-please-tell me, where are all of the drama-free, respect-you-as-you-are, self-assured, non-addicted, self-motivated, non-mooching, honest, warm, cuddly, grownup lesbians?

Single and Seeking

Dear Looking For Love in All the Wrong-You Know

I'm guessing you won't find them at a bar. I mean, you might find someone behind the counter of McDonald's with a nice bowl of lentil soup for you, but are you going to start by looking there?

In a minute I'm going to tell you where you should be looking, but before you hop in your car, listen up. It takes time and maturity for a person to be a reasonable partner. While that time passes and she's learning not to be an ass, difficult things happen.

It's hard to make it though your twenties without a dalliance with addiction, or some grad school-induced moochiness, or a serious season of motivation deprivation. As a matter of fact, it's suffering through this sort of crap that sands down our rough, inflexible edges.

Maybe it takes a year of dating someone with really bad self-esteem to finally realize that we don't want to live like that ourselves. It's easier to have compassion for yourself and others if you've learned through experience that you regret lying or being petty.

Of course, it's not your responsibility to drag anyone else though those lessons. We all have to learn enough on our own hides. It's just good to remember that you're probably looking for someone who's heading in the right direction. Very few people are already living in Honest, Motivated, Self-Assured Cuddly Town.

I used to say that volunteering or taking a

class are great ways to meet people, and they still are, but these have become such meeting clichés that folks are doing them just to meet people, and less for the pleasure that the activity itself brings them.

I think meeting people you want to be around, either as pals or partners, is about being happy and challenged, and looking to see who's around you when you are. If you love to mountain bike, hang out at a local bike shop and look for trips or bike repair clinics. If you're into needlepoint, look for classes given at your yarn shop.

BIG TIPS

This may not produce someone you want to move in with, but it will bring new people into your life from whom you can

find new friends (so don't weed out the guys or straightish people), and friends frequently have nice lesbian sisters or neighbors.

If you create a

healthy, relaxed flow of new people into your life, you'll glean some keepers.

Dear Big Tipper,

When I first started dating gay men (I'm a lesbian), I thought, finally, I'm going to get it like a porn movie. No more once-a-monthly time outs, no more whiny drama about who goes first, just fucking. Finally. Finally!

Well, it is like a porn movie, but the parts where the lead-in conversation is bad, and what he says while he's fucking me is worse. Plus it's really fast, so I'm getting it more but I'm probably actually having less sex! At first this felt great because it felt forbidden and really, really queer, you know, but now it's just more stupid sex, and I have to use condoms. Why is the sex with men so disappointing?

Bad Lovin'

Dear Love That Dares Speak Its Name, Um, because you're a lesbian?

I only mention it because that's how you identified yourself. I'm all for getting it on with whomever you wish, but if you're having bad sex with men, it might be because you're attracted to the idea of the badness of it all, but you're not attracted to the guys themselves.

If you do want to keep having sex with guys, I'm thinking the ultimate subversion would be to have sex with a straight guy. If you pick the right one, you'd probably be fulfilling a fantasy for him, and you might not have to bring him up to speed on women's bodies. Most gay men have not been historically invested in women's sexual pleasure. Of course, the same could be said about some straight men, but they have an agenda, in wanting to continue to have sex with women. There's a carrot. Make that carrot work for you.

Okay, they're not queer, but this web site "Things My Girlfriend and I Argue About,' http://homepage.ntlworld.com/

mil.millington/things.html, puts just about anyone else's arguments in perspective. I almost peed my pants reading this.

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

July 5, 2002

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